Nobody i am

i'm tired. i h8 this house it feels like a prison.
i haven't been kissed, or on a first date or even looked at by anyone of the opposite or similar sex. i cry myself to sleep every night because my mom told me when i was a little girl that she knows me and would always know when something was wrong because God would tell her. i think she stopped listening because she is completely in the dark. i wish i liked going to church like when i was a little girl. i wish i could still sing and dance. i wish i were carefree. i wish i could hangout im coffee shops for the rest of my life and read books all the time. i wish i were happy. i wish i were thin. i've been bullemic and no one noticed. i tried to kill myself twice and no one knows. i don't have any close friends and the people that call themselves my friends don't call or invite me to anything. i failed two of my semester exams and know the other ones but didn't tell my parents because i don't tell them anything anymore unless i have to. i h8 calling my stepdad Dad because every male figure that's been associated w/ that word was a negative one in my life and in all honesty i don't want a father. i want to be able to go to school and enjoy it and make good grades like i used to and not be satisfied with 75 c's on my report card. i hate being poor compared to everyone else. if i coukld get dreads in my hair i would. ihate the nick names my family gives me and being called an oreo at school. to me that's as bad as any racial slurr. i don't love my sisters even though i tried and i think it's because we all have different fathers. i think i love my mother sometimes but if she were to die today i don't know how i would react. i just hope that when i grow up, i'll be happy and lose contact with everyone and be able to become somebody other than the pverprotected, incvisible, prechers' daughter, nobody i am.