MY HEART NEEDS A SECOND CHANCE

This is a true tale. I repeat, this is a true tale. Growing up in the streets of Brooklyn ain't easy. Most Kats like myself form bonds with other nikkas you grow up with. I was no different in that sense. I had two homeys that I knew since we were in Preschool. I'll call them Blak and Red. Growing up we did everything together. In the late eighties we got into the drug game. My sister was dating this dude who was trying to flip some product down south. He asked me, Blak and Red to go with him and get this money. We went and shyt was love. I made some good chedder, but wasn't feeling the south or the game anymore. Plus my girl was about to give birth and I wanted to be home. I had other things I was trying to do that was much more positive than sling rocks. Red's girl was about to give birth as well, so he wasn't trying to come home until he had shyt on lock down there. Around thanksgiving 1989, I decided I had enough. I went back to Brooklyn. Red and Blak stayed, and came back on new years eve. Damn I was glad to see these Nikkas when they  got home. Especially Red. All three of us was close, but Red and I.......I don't even know how to describe us. We.....it was love man, straight like that.  Like Kim once said " under pressure, I'd lie for him, die for him, Kruger by  my  side for him, right hand held high for him " and vice versa. We all hung out on New Years Eve doing the usual drinking and smoking. Around 2am Blak decided to go to the tittie bar, and I was ready to make it on home when Red begged me to come with him to the Tele to fuck with these two hoes him and Blak had stashed there. I figured fuck it I'll get me a New Years Nutt, plus spend some extra time with my man, before he dash back south the next day. When we got to the Tele, I wasn't feeling the hoe he wanted me to fuck  with at all. I told Red It was a no go, and I was about to leave. Red said yo stay. I'll get rid of these Bitches and come back with two more. So they left. As i waited I figured I'd continue getting fucked up. Somewhere along the line I fell asleep. I started to wake when I felt something wet. I thought I was peeing on myself, until my eyes began to focus and I saw my dawg Red giving me head. I immediately panicked. I didn't know if I was in a dream or what. This can't be happening. I immediately pushed him away from me and jumped up. In my haste I didn't realize my pants was down around my ankles, and as i tried to walk I fell and hit my head on the little table in the room. All the liquor and weed and food on the table went crashing to the floor with me. Red tried his best to calm me down, telling me Boy-Boy calm down, you scaring me. But i wasn't trying to hear it. I just wanted to get out of there. I jetted out the room, jumped in my car and peeled off. When I got to the light, I could hear my heartbeat. There was a million thoughts running thru my head. Was Red and Blak playing a joke on me. Was I tripping, was that weed that  potent. When the light turned green, I pulled into the parking lot of a nearby housing project. As i sat there in my car suddenly sober, I experienced what some people call an epiphany. Next thing you know I found myself back at the Tele knocking on the room door. Red opened the door, and i could tell by the look on his face, he wasn't sure what I was back for, but he was relieved that I was back. As Red extended the door open enough for me to enter, I went in. Red looked around outside, and then closed the door behind me. We did some things that night that I never thought I would do. The next day I avoided Red like the plague. He called me, paged me, (beepers was the thing back then) came to my house, but I couldn't face him. I was drowning in shame. He tried for three days to talk to me, but was unsuccessful. Finally Blak, not knowing what was going on between me and Red, talked me into talking it out. Red told Blak that we had got into it over my take of the work I left them with when I came home early. I came to Blak's crib, Where Red was already at.  Blak left so  we could talk it out. Red explained that he always felt that way towards me, and he didn't think it was wrong because he was in love with me, and he knew that I loved him too. The whole time I said nothing. I just couldn't talk about it. With tears in his eyes he begged me for some feedback, but I just couldn't. I didn't know how I felt. All I could think about was my new baby boy, and his. They was born a few days apart in mid December. Fed up with me Red cussed me out. I'll never forget his words. He said I lost three days of pay fucking chasing you. Fuck you Nikka. You dead to me. Hearing Red yelling at the top of his lungs, Blak ran back into the apt, to see what the fuck was going on. Red crying like a baby pushed Blak out the way and left. Blak said to me " yo what the fuck is going on Boy-Boy. This can't just be about some money shyt. I said nothing and just left. That day was the worst day of my life, until two days later when I got the news from Red's baby mama that Red and Blak was missing. They was found the next day in an abandoned house in NC shot numerous times. I was devestated. I layed in bed for two days in the dark. Red's baby mama called me from NC where she was gathering Red's belongings and making arrangements to have him shipped home. She told me that Red had wrote me a letter, but never sent it. She told me she read it, and she knew everything. She also said if I came to the funeral, she would make a scene and tell everybody what she knows. I really started to panic then. I had to go to the funeral to tell my Nikka how sorry I was, and that I did love him. I was just scared. I was ashamed. I decided the night of the viewing of the body, that I would go. If I ran into her and she called me out then so be it. But I was gonna pay my respects to my homey. As i got dressed to go there was a knock on my door. I was surprised to see Red's baby mama there. She came in and offered to smoke a blunt with me and talk. She told me she read the letter all night the night before and decided that she was wrong. She asked me if I did love him. I told her I did, and she broke down in my arms. She gave me the letter and told me I was more than welcome to come to the funeral. Neither one of us made it to the viewing of the body that night. We talked about Red the whole night until we fell asleep. Red, it's been nineteen years since you been gone, and I miss you more and more every year. Our boys are just about grown now and are as close as we were. People if you love someone, let them know. Love in any form is never wrong. Red, Since you been gone, I've been in a trance. My heart needs a second chance. Although it's over, I just can't say goodbye. I love you Red. RIP.