A dolla short, and a day late

        I sat on my green living room couch with deep sorrow penetraiting the four walls surrounding me. My belonging use to occupy the small closet at my big cousins house. Now, I look up and see that my life has been filled with special gifts that I didn't see coming. Everything was beautiful, down to the green and cream vace that sat still directly in front of me next to the large window. My flat screen tv watched me rather then I watching it.

          I prayed for this day to take place in my life. Walking block after block in the bitter cold feeling the wind abuse my face with its harsh blows. I'd wait on the bus for a good thirty minutes antisipating it's arrival. I'd either come to early and suffer the consequences of not having a correct time frame, and having to wait in the cold while cars zoomed by me as if to say "Ha Ha Ha! You have to catch the bus!" I'd stare back at where I came walking from and would just want to give up and go back. I couldn't go back because I had responsibilities that needed to be taken care of. I worked a part-time restuarant job as a hostess. My job was so far that it took an hour to get there. Rain sleet and snow I worked each day because I had to, and still do. My big cousin wanted me and my belongings out of her closet and her life. I couldn't blame her I wanted out myself. It would've been easy to just kill myself and not worry about having my own apartment. Yeah, that would've been easy. If i would have just killed myself by running directly in front of one of those cars that zoomed by the bus stop I wouldn't have to be a responsible adult.

       Instead I would go to work and straight to the bathroom. I couldn't cry on the bus, too many people. I would go to the large handicap stall and fall dead on my knees and just pray to God. "God please help me! Where are you? Do you not see me struggling. I'm not smoking weed anymore. I've stopped clubbin', I haven't had sex in six months. Why are you not blessing my life?" Tears fell from my face at a rapid pace. My car had been towed. My house went into foreclosure. and I felt like a worthless hostess with no time for luxury living. I use to have it all, now I've been reduced to nothing. Everything happened in a matter of four months.  Each and every day I prayed at work, at night when everyone was sleep I laid in bed with tears flooding down my face and onto the sheets. I'd pray and pray. Nothing seemed to have been taking place for the good in my life. My big cousin didn't have to say a word because I knew by her actions that I was wearing out my welcome quickly.

       I never disrespected my big cousin. As a matter of fact I was never really there. I went to school in the morning, then went to work at night. Long nights at work and begging for a ride from anybody at my job took a toll on me mentally and physically. My big cousin didn't live on the bus line so walking miles was my only way. At work I'd try to ask someone on the down low for a ride. When they said no I tried stratigizing. I'd call a cab or call an old friend. Finally my boss began taking me home. Which meant I wouldn't get home until one in the morning. I hated waking my cousin up to open the door. After awhile my big cousin told me that I had to be out by March, it was January. I saved money but couldn't seem to find a place. My rental history was bad because I broke my lease in some apartments a year ago.

       When Febuary came I just happened to luck up and get the last one bedroom apartment on the eastside of Indianapolis. My rent was four fifthy and my utilities were paid. God had finally answered my prayer for relief. the bus stop was right across from  my apartments. The bus now drops me off directly in fron t of my school. From school the next bus took me straight to work. Everything is now easy, but I'm still stressed. I'm not happy like I thought I would be. I have everything that i imagined having. Still it means nothing to me basue I'm back to my old ways again. I now smoke weed and fuck like I never stopped. I'm clubbin' every week with my cousin and I'm severly depressed with myself.