Thug Jail Brother (Part 42)
MEMO TO SELF: Let The Life You Lived Speak For You…

Dear Jason,

First I want to let you know that I truly love you and I am sorry for every lie that I have ever told you. I really did not expect our relationship to have blossomed like it did. When we first met, yes I was using you, but some way along the way things changed.  Yes, I did lie about my parents because that was part of my game in the beginning. But please let me explain the grave yard incident, first my parents are very much alive. My real father and mother were not there for me when I was a child, so my grandparents raise me and my sisters and brothers.  The graves that we went to visit are those of my grandfather and grandmother. We called them mom and dad, because the raised us and we ended up living with them. I tried to explain this to you, but you did not want to hear anything from me. I do not hold this against you and I understand you frustration.

You see, my mother is a crack whore and my father is a drug dealer, both of them where in and out of jail most of my life. They were incapable of loving and taking care of me and my brothers and sisters. As a child there where many nights when we went to bed hungry, while my parents and their friends would be eating. My father often abuse all of the kids, he would bring his friends to have sex for money with my mother and my two sisters. I remember when two sisters were seven and eight years old, one of my sisters attempted suicide because she just wanted to be out of the pain she was feeling.  I remember the times when my father use to beat my mother to the point of unconsciousness. There where time when he came home and me and my brother had not taken out the trash, he would make take off all our clothing and whip us with a leather barber strap. We had a fucked up life, I remember when one night when I was in bed, my father’s brother came into the room and got in bed with me.  He made me take my underwear off and he fucked me and he hurt me real bad, I was bleeding. I was only ten and when I told my father, he told me not to tell anyone. Right after he would fuck me I would always see him give my father money. I use to crawl up under the bed and sleep, so that he would not mess with me. But, when I did that he would crawl in my little brothers bed and fuck him. So, instead of him hurting my little brother, I would sacrifice myself. A few times he would bring his friends over and they would take turns fucking me and my little brother. After my sister tried to commit suicide, social services took us from our parents. After a few months in a foster home, our grandparents came and got us.

The person I hate the most, my father, is the person I turned out most to be like. I went to jail five times, three times as a juvenile and twice as adult and they were all drug charges. The first time I went to jail, I was in the shower and five big buff guys, gang raped me. They made me suck there dicks and they took turns fucking me. There was this one thug in jail that no one would mess with, I became his friend and no one touched me again.  Well, no one but him, or should I say he always want to touch me. Jason, I have had a fucked up life and that is no excuse for how I have hurt you. But, I want you to know how much I love you man, you mean everything to me and my life has not been the same since you have not been in my life. I am not sure if you can ever fully understand my life, I feel like my life has been cursed because of the fact that I am a bisexual man and most people do not understand me.  Most people think that I want my cake and ice cream too; some people think that I should choose to be with a man or women.  How am I supposed to do that when I love men and women, why do I have to choose? I love you Jason, but I really, really like Lady Moe and I am not sure what this will develop into. I know that if I just be with you I will not be happy and if I am just with Lady Moe, then I still will not be happy. I know it is not fair to you, to have to share me with someone else, but I am not sure what am I suppose to do with the feeling that I have inside of me.  Man, I love you so much and I miss our special times together. You know, when I would hold you all night long and would not let you go, because I would think when I wake up you would be gone. 

Jason, I have been going to bible study and I have been learning a lot about forgiveness.  I remember some years ago when that same sister that was raped by my father, sold out this friends and tried to commit suicide when she was eight, confronted our father. One day we were all at my grandparent’s house for father’s day and our father and mother showed up. My sister Sharon, who is a Christian now told our father that I forgive you for what you did to me as a child. He said don’t know what you are talking about, what I did to you; your ass was a fast tail little slut. She said shut up a listen to me, this is not for you but this is for me, so shut up, sit down and listen. Sharon said, you intended it for harm, but God intended it for good. She went on to say, you raped me but ….God sent me. You lied on me but ….God sent me. You hurt me but ….God sent me. You thought you had destroyed me but…God sent me.
How did I get over?  I got over because God intended me to get over. I got over because God is at work in all things for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I got over because God, in the most dismal of days and in the darkest of shadows, is still on His throne and is still pursuing His purpose.

Sharon went on to say, society no longer had any use for me, I was an outcast, put them back in the place where I belonged. I almost killed myself because it seemed as if I was not well liked, it seemed as if no one wanted anything to do with me. I was a loner, an outcast if you will. But grandma took me to church and the preacher said, you’re just the person Jesus is looking for tonight. Daddy you killed my womb and for a while I felt less than a women because I can never have children.  When I thought it was all over God gave me a wonderful saved man and allowed me to adopt five wonderful children. She said, I forgive you because I need to, he said what do you want from me and she said not a thing. This day is for Sharon Dupree daddy and not for you, she said from this day forward I am free. If you want daddy God still finds outcasts today! I am not sure why I am telling you this story Jason but it was on my heart. My sister forgave them but I can’t just yet, I have been praying that God will give me the strength to one day do that. But right now I can’t, I am hurting and I am in so much pain. 

The other night when Lady Moe and I were in bible study, Elder Brooks said, that the reason the clock has stopped in your life is because you have not released the people who have hurt or mistreated you. It is time to release all those in your past so that you can be released of all of the memories and all of the pain. He went on to say that it is waste of time to blame your parents for the things that they did or did not do. You need to stop blaming them for your problems, even if you were horribly mistreated in the past; you have to let it go. It is not worth hanging on to the hurts. You need too many miracles to be hanging on to all of those hurts. You cannot build a future when you're hanging on to the past. It is time to give your past to the Lord and to press toward your future. People may criticize you; you have to stop worrying about other people's opinions and learn to please God. It's time to be a God pleaser instead of a people pleaser. Besides, you can't please people anyway. One day they love you and the next day they can't stand you. Make up your mind to live for the Lord and go on with your life. Do not allow people's opinions to steal your future. I thought about what he said and then I realized that I have allowed my father to steal my future. I never thought I would live to see twenty; I lived my live in a way that I expected to be dead by twenty. But Jason, I am still here and I don’t know why but I thanks God I am.

Please baby, can we work this out, I will even go to therapy with you if you think that will help. I need you man, life is not worth living without you. Can you please find it in your heart to forgive me? Please baby, please let’s work this out. Since I am getting everything off my chest, I failed the test the other day. I love you with all my heart.

Broken to be blessed,

Malek

To Be Continued…

Malek Ariel, aka MA

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